I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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