Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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