I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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