is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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