ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
