saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
