Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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