whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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