Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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