What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
