Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
