Where is the hickey?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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