What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
