she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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