I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
