Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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