My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize