I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
