Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
