Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
