she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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