It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
