you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
