she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
