Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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