i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
