I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
