My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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