HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
