we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
