It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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