my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
