No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
