i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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