the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Someone came in the potted fern
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
