Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
