Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
