If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
