Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
