he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
