Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
