Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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