I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
