from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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