there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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