You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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