i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
