yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
