One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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