i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
