At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
