last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
