The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
