My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
