I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
