I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
