she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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