He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
