why didn't you poke me back
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
