and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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