The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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