he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
